Instagram vs. Reality

When people ask me how China was it’s a very hard question for me to answer. On one hand I absolutely loved it. The Chinese people I met and the cultural experience was amazing. The cities, the architecture and the history were all things I loved. And let’s not forget about the food.

However, in huge contrast to this I experienced some of the toughest internal conflicts of my entire life. I experienced anxiety like never before after I lost a friendship that meant the world to me. I felt isolated in a country with a population of over 1 billion people. I was at a very low point of my life.

I have been battling internally about writing about my experience for a long time. I don’t know how to write this without a) being judged and b) coming across like I want attention. A) is something I’ve learned will always happen. People will always have an opinion and I’ve learnt to accept this. If people don’t care about me I do not need to care about them. In regards to the second point I think it’s a big reason why I’ve had this sitting as a draft for a while now. So I can adapt it as I improve my outlook on life and wait until I am fully healed.

The most telling moments for me that I needed to improve my own self and my life were firstly when I saw myself like this : I had lost around 5kg at this point in 3 weeks. I was sick, tired consistently and really unhappy. Looking back I wish that I had made more of an effort to ask for help.

Given my ongoing body image issues I knew this was going to be something I had to tackle head on. And I’m proud to say I’ve put on weight since this was taken. I don’t look good this skinny. I look better how I am now and I am so much happier for it.

The second moment was after drinking in Laos one night and just falling apart literally asking what was wrong with myself.

I realised upon reflection that the issue was not loving myself which is something I am still learning and want to continue improving on.

All of this is something that I could have let bash me down but instead when I got home I promised myself I would work on me and make sure I did what was needed to make my life better. Simple things like putting the link to my blog back in my bio and taking a trip and writing about it all helped me recover from the downward spiral that I had gone down.

Another reason I wanted to share this is because I’m sure I made my time look absolutely amazing through single photos on Instagram despite not being okay and even though the places I went to were absolutely incredible my headspace was not.

Look after yourself and make yourself your number one priority. If you love yourself I truly believe you can’t be left feeling isolated.

Peace and love,

Cait x

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